If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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