He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize