can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
