well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
