fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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