The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
