No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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