That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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