I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
