There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
