I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
