I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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