Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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