Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
