My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
