You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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