forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
