i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize