We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
