I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
