I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
