Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
