I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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