Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
