The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
