It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
