Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize