Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
