Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Don't make out with my wife yet
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
