I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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