So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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