I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
