I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
