So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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