Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
