i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
MIDGETS
????
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
