I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
