Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
