My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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