If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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