under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I forget how to act sober
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