Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
