Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
