So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
it's like heaven, but drunker
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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