He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
