ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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