This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
