you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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