she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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