she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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