Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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