I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
