I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
