She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
