u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
